This entry was submitted by a writer in a writing competition held by Vidhiya Saagar (December 2023). This piece was awarded 2nd place. For more details, read the blogpost.

Do not be careless about this fact that this saraae (resting place) is not the permanent abode. Look at the time-cycle, which is undependable; it gives a fatal blow to everything of this world. – Guru Gobind Singh Ji, 1705

Moment of Doubt

By: Amandeep Singh

JANUARY 1706

A young woman’s voice recounts: I remember hearing the rhythmic spattering of rain and the distant rumble of thunder. The thunder turned into an ominous rumble of horse’s hooves, approaching. He came to our village, hungry and tired. His family hadn’t seen him for weeks. Nobody had. Back then for him, it was always to be adorned in beautiful blue chola, with shastar fastened into the kamarkassa and firm jangi mozeh carrying his weary feet. He was once told the story of Guru Hargobind comforting his son, the future Guru Har Rai, when his chola broke the petal of the flower – “To serve God we should take care of the creation”, and the Bhai Gurdas teaching of “To protect an orchard, hedge it with thorny trees”. Those were his tenets. However, the night I found him, he was a mess – hair open, malnourished, separated. Looking just like he swore he’d never look... I asked his name. “Anand Singh.” He reluctantly said. “Just Anand”. He whispered.

DECEMBER 1705 ANANDPUR HOLY CITY OF BLISS

Wind whispers. Mangled bits of bark were their only sustenance, Singh’s wept as their battle horses laboured for their last breaths. Many were struggling with fear in their eyes but love for their Guru. The pleas of surrender to Mata Gujri after 8 months of suffering were not met, as they dreaded the inevitable. A Singh examines one of his swords and tosses it away, discouraged. Laughter from the Mughal forces in the distance can be heard. This was the situation for the Sikhs remaining in Anandpur. Many had left with Guru Gobind Singh Ji’s permission, struggling with fear and tired of the warfare.

JANUARY 1706

“How could you do that?”, I asked. “Leave our Guru?”. No answer. Nothing. I was frustrated. I hoped Anand would say something. He hesitated. “My daughter asked me the same question.” Anand cried her name. “My whole family said I am dead to them”. Anand’s horse suddenly can be heard outside continuing to snort and cough hot breath intensely. “Leave it’, Anand said, while wiping his tears. “It’s too late”. Anand continued, “I can’t take this-life straight now… I am only a walking shadow” Whilst eating the last of some food I had, Anand eventually revealed that they all did go back to the Guru. “We went back to explain that we wanted the Guru to retreat and go back to peaceful and simpler times. Their father, four sons and mother had all departed. There was no need for these battles, we can just give our darshan and do matha taykna to our Guru in a peaceful space. It was actually Bhai Bhag Singh who said this”. Anand sighed. “Bhai Bhag’s Singh words of withdrawal were not found to connect within the Guru Gobind Singh Ji’s warrior spirit.” Anand told me. “So, we signed a letter”. Anand exhaled. “We could not be His Sikhs.”

DECEMBER 1705 ANANDPUR HOLY CITY OF BLISS

“You are not my Guru, and we are not your Sikh.” A dark shadow of a Singh, walking, holding a piece of paper outlining this, enters into the room full of the abandoned once warriors. “Let us see” “Put your thumb on it.” “Pass it around.” “Once we do this, we’re free?” “Yes, we can go to Majha.” “It’s done.” “All of us.” The 10th Master – Guru Gobind Singh Ji, in the holy city of bliss received this Bedeva. Bhai Bhag Singh slowly walks out of the door, unsteadily. The door shut, and we turned our back on the Guru. “What did Guru Ji say?”, one person asked. “They put it into their kamarkassa”, Bhai Bhag Singh said hollowly.

JANUARY 1706

“It was no more complicated than that”, Anand uttered. He was wrong.

I proceeded to tell Anand how in actuality, our village heard the tale of Bhai Maha Singh and Mai Bhago rallying together a group of Sikhs who deserted the Guru, defying them to act on their past cowardice and to travel to Khidrana. They unsheathed their khandas, fought thousands of Mughals, vibrating on naam, prepared to give their life for the Guru. To live their life for their Guru. The warriors remaining with Guru Gobind Singh Ji saw, and the archers within the army nocked their arrows, ready to fire, and released their arrows from a nearby hill helping their brothers in the battle.

“All 40 of the Sikhs who came back to give their head to the Guru died.” I said. I put my head down, then look up and cry with delight – “Guru Gobind Singh came upon the battlefield, and saw they lived the life of a Sikh. Bhai Mahan Singh, tearful and exhausted, made a last request. He asked Guru Gobind Singh Ji to forgive the 40 Sikhs and destroy the bedava letter disclaiming they were not Sikhs of the Guru”.

Not a sound came from Anand. Tears roll down his eyes.

“The King of Kings took them away from the circle of life and death, granting them all liberation. And that was that.”

Anand looks up again at me. His stare holds. He reddens. He disappears behind the table and lands with a floor-shaking thump.

AUGUST 1731

A quarter of a century is a long time. I am older now and I see things differently. I was just nineteen years of age when I came upon a so-called coward by the name of Anand Singh who deserted the Guru in Anandpur, left his family, fled with his horse, and only had a small kirpan carried in his worn out kamarkassa.

I could never truly judge Anand Singh, even now. Mai Bhago survived the Battle of Muktsar and stayed as Guru Gobind Singh Ji’s guard until the Guru’s physical death a few years after what became known as the Chali Mukte’s shaheed.

We have The Guru Granth Sahib Ji as our true Guru forever. 40 came back forward. Shaheed. Liberated. Immortalised in Ardaas. The life of the head of the Guru is forever, however some Sikhs never went back to the Battle of Muktsar.

I always found the Chali Mukhte story deeply moving and personal as these were Sikhs that there were in the presence of the physical Guru who chose to turn their back and separate from Sikhi. 40 sons of Guru Gobind Singh Ji were resolute on the battlefield, showing a steely resolve who now rest in a safe celestial place in Amar Puri, where their soul lives on forever and they are immortalised in the Ardaas. They say I love nothing but my horses and the Gurdwara and that is why I never married. It is true that I love the Gurdwara and my horses. I will tell you a secret. Those same people talk nice when they come in to teach their children how to mount or when the Sikh armies need more stallions. I care nothing for what they say. I never had time to fool with it.

Anyway, Anand Singh changed my life. I never did find his family again but if they are alive, I would be pleased to hear from them. I judge they would be in their seventies now and nearer eighty than seventy. Time just gets away from us.

END